Nothing Will Be Different by Tara McGowan-Ross

Author:Tara McGowan-Ross [McGowan-Ross, Tara]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Cultural, Ethnic & Regional / Indigenous
ISBN: 9781459748750
Publisher: Dundurn Press
Published: 2021-10-26T00:00:00+00:00

“Sympathetic Character” by Alanis Morissette.

May 2014. The Gay Village.

Sandy’s presence was bothering me. I wasn’t so sure about us. I used to be so skinny, and so slutty, and now look at me — domestic and doughy and happy. Like an idiot. And what if it doesn’t work out? Boys will never want me like this. What if it does? Can I live the rest of my life knowing I let it all fizzle out when I was twenty-one because a guy I met when I was nineteen who’s old and stuff moved to be with me?

It had only been eight months, or so, of living with me, and he’d already spent the lion’s share of his savings. He needed fast cash, and quick. He got onto an internet forum for tree planters and found a crew boss who needed people. He’d be leaving for North Bay in the morning. I was delighted. I pictured a perfect version of myself who would emerge: modern and sexually liberated, from this summer of independence. We’d talked about monogamy, again, and I was wearing him down. I was sure if something happened, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. And if it was the end of our world — I was only twenty-one. I would build a new one.

He left on a bus for North Bay, in the morning, a week before my twenty-second birthday. At thirty, he’d be the oldest person on his crew — planting was a young man’s game — but he was determined.

“I want to make you proud,” he said.

“Aww,” I said, not looking up from where I was texting with Antoine.

I saw Sandy off, on his bus. I smiled as the bus pulled away. I came home to our apartment, empty of him, and I lay down on our bed, and I barely stood up until he came home.

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